Am I Broken? No, I am not!

                                             Saturn’s Day 🪐

💖 I am not broken. 💖

I am still learning.

✨I am finding perspective. ✨

I am using my voice.💫

It has been too long since I’ve written an actual blog article.

Probably even longer since I’ve written a personal journal entry. I wrote this entry on, Saturday July 18th. Hence the name of the article “ Saturns Day”. It is also a true testament to the struggles I have been having. It is now September and it is finally ready. 

I’ve written a couple of brain dumps, plenty of lists (lol), and I’ve kept up with my spiritual and daily gratitude journals as best I have been able to lately. But writing my usual personal thoughts and insights on my progress, feelings, and state of mind? Those have been sitting on my unknowing-yet-knowing  avoidance list, a list I have come to admit is too long. 

Maybe you know exactly what I mean.

That strange place where you know there are things you want to do. Things you care about. Things that are actually important to you. But somehow, you just aren't doing them.

Over the last six months, my overall well-being has struggled to stay grounded. Being that I’ve made great progress these last few years, I think this has been especially difficult for me to recognize.

I was diagnosed with ADHD in 2023. After the initial negative rush of “just another brick to add to the wall holding me back from being a functional, normal human,” I started digging into pulling myself out of the deep, dark dungeon I had hopelessly been living in for what I knew was too long.

I knew I had to find hope, self-love, and worth.

Not just for me, but for my amazing son.

If you’ve read my blog over the years, you know I talk about the low space I was in and how I got there.

Over the last few years, I have learned so much about myself.

I have put in the work, not always easy, of admitting my flaws, my mistakes, and working through the traumas in my life.

Learning how to heal is not easy.

In order to heal, grow, and change, it’s an emotional journey.

It’s ripping off old band-aids you swore had literally just become part of your skin. Memories, actions, behaviors that you’d sworn you’d put in the past?

They aren’t.

The traumas you bury and hide. The traumas you didn’t realize were actually traumatizing because you were just taught “that’s life, deal with it.”

Confronting your shame, guilt, failures, and false self-narratives...

All of that is, well...

ALL OF THAT!

But let me tell you from my experience: it is not easy, but it has most definitely been validating, deeply invigorating, empowering, and most importantly… Healing, Inspiring, and Helpful!

All while bettering myself and working towards beginning to truly live.

I have hope. Which is a big deal. Hope is something stolen from many of us very early in life. 

I believe in myself. I’ve educated myself beyond my initial goals and plans, and then life happened.

Getting back to these last six months, give or take. My productivity has shifted and slowed down immensely. My mind is becoming harder to quiet down again. My social accounts, blogs, work, projects... They have all slowed to a turtle pace.

My desire and goals haven’t changed.

My interest and drive to help myself so I can help others is still strong.

My belief behind my journey and the confidence in my talent are all still there.

What’s missing is executing what needs to get done and that has been incredibly frustrating.

Because I haven't stopped caring.

I haven't stopped creating.

I haven't stopped dreaming.

I just haven't been consistently doing.

If you've ever experienced that disconnect between wanting something desperately and still being unable to make yourself move toward it, you know how maddening that can feel.

I haven’t been very active online, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been working and creating. I’ve taken my old written poems and songs and worked with AI to set the voice and sound, and finally finished my Daily Cosmos App. I can’t wait to get that all out and published. I am so excited. I’m very proud of it, but my anxiety, overwhelmed system, and what I believe is guilt and shame hold me back.

So hopefully you understand my dilemma or maybe you don't have ADHD. Maybe you've experienced this because of burnout.

Or motherhood.

Or grief.

Or stress.

Or a relationship.

Or finances.

Or family.

Or just one of those seasons of life where everything seems to pile onto the same damn Tuesday.

Whatever the reason, I think the cycle can look surprisingly similar. You stop doing the things that normally keep you moving. Then you notice you're not doing them. Then you feel guilty. Then you feel overwhelmed by how much you've fallen behind.  Then the thing you've been avoiding becomes even harder to face.

Now suddenly you're not just dealing with the original problem. You're dealing with the shame of not dealing with the original problem. So you avoid it some more.

It's a lovely little psychological circus. (I feel like the hamster on a wheel most days.)

I have been slowly falling back into old patterns. Patterns I am very aware, are not healthy. I have a hard time learning how to overcome some of my ADHD symptoms, especially dysregulation.

I’ve built systems, schedules, and lists that all help keep things in my day a bit more structured and mostly productively successful. But I have stopped using those tools as consistently as usual. The longer my brain avoids things I need to do, the harder it becomes to jump back on track.

There is a sense of failure, shame, and embarrassment I start to feel.

Like my genuineness looks false now.

Like the standard was set and I didn’t meet it.

And maybe you've felt that too.

You've worked so hard to become a better version of yourself, and then one difficult season makes you question whether all that progress was real.

I've been asking myself that question.

The last few weeks I have been trying to analyze my shift.

When did it start?

Why?

What halted my momentum?

The why is probably the hardest part.

I am grateful for all the knowledge I have absorbed through this journey: learning how the brain works, why people generally act the way they do, and why I am how I am.

Without understanding my anxiety, ADHD, emotions, and the reasoning behind certain behaviors, I would be much deeper down this old, raggedy hole.

Over the last six months, a lot has changed, and even more has happened. Some of those changes were positive. Others were not.

There were situations in my life that forced me to sit down and really evaluate how they affected me, how they affected my son, and what I wanted moving forward. Some major stressors from the past resurfaced in different ways.

A chapter of my life that had consumed a lot of emotional energy finally came to an end, and for a while, things felt calmer. Then the calm didn't stay completely calm.

Old patterns of stress, uncertainty, and having to constantly analyze what was happening around me started creeping back in.

And that did something to me.

It triggered that old feeling of always being on edge.

The kind where you're constantly analyzing what was said, what wasn't said, what might happen next, and whether you need to prepare yourself for another problem before it even happens.

I've spent years living in that kind of mental defense mode.

It takes a toll.

Not just mentally, but physically, and emotionally.

And when you've spent years trying to build a calmer life, being thrown back into that state can make it incredibly difficult to maintain all the healthy routines and habits you've worked so hard to build.

There were other personal situations that affected me emotionally too. I reconnected with someone from my past after almost three years. It was short-lived, and it ended in a much too similar fashion as in the past.

Loving someone who doesn’t love you the same is so incredibly sad.

This time around, though, I didn’t break down or hide away dwelling on the pain and sadness.

I took it in.

Allowed myself a good cry.

Then I went skygazing that next night on my own. I laid down on the grass, in an empty field, under the darkness of night and just took in the magical view of the night’s sky.

I took the time to ground myself.

I had to let the fantasy of hope for that relationship to be “the one” today, tomorrow, or someday, go. And I gave it to the stars to do as they wish.

That was painful… Which doesn’t feel descriptive enough, but pain and sadness filled me over this relationship for a long time. I had to empty it out completely and love myself first. But it was also progress. 

Big progress in my eyes.

Because the old version of me might have gotten lost in that pain. This version of me felt it, acknowledged it, and kept moving.  

There have also been difficult circumstances in my living environment that have affected me. Living around negativity when you're already struggling to regulate yourself can be exhausting.

When you're trying to build something, to change your life, become healthier, become more productive, and create a better future, constant criticism and negativity can slowly chip away at your momentum.

Sometimes the hardest part isn't the giant crisis. Sometimes it's the constant little things. The comments. The criticism. The feeling that your mistakes are being watched more closely than your successes. The feeling that the people around you don't necessarily see the person you're working so hard to become. 

Those factors all play a part in my daily psyche. And being honest with myself about that is part of getting back on track. I need to remember who I am.

And Get Back Up!

Use my intelligence and perseverance and get back to doing the right things for my son and me.

I keep trying to remind myself:

My truth is the only truth that matters.

I may come out of it with more scars and bruises, but I do know the way to positivity and having peace of mind.

I just took a wrong turn or hit a detour, but I'm heading to the same place. Maybe that's the part of this journey I needed to remember.

I think when we set out to reach goals, to enhance our lives, and look to become the best versions of ourselves, when we hit a snag in the path or fall into someone’s trap, we think we are stuck.

We think we're back to a place we’ve been working to get as far from as possible. We don’t see it as a snag in the path. We view it as a block. We see ourselves falling back down the deep hole we started in. 

But we're human.

Snags and traps are all around us. Life doesn't stop throwing things into our path just because we've done the work to become stronger. Maybe the test isn't always whether we can avoid the obstacles and detours. Maybe sometimes it's whether we can recognize that we've hit one, stop beating ourselves up for being there, figure out what happened, and start moving again.

Maybe that's what progress actually looks like sometimes. Not constantly moving forward. Not perfectly following every system and schedule you've created. Not becoming some flawless, enlightened version of yourself who never gets overwhelmed again.

Maybe progress is knowing yourself well enough to recognize when you've started drifting.

And having enough self-trust to find your way back.

Because here's what I'm learning:

Losing momentum isn't the same thing as losing progress.

The work you've already done doesn't disappear because you're struggling again. The person you've worked so hard to become doesn't disappear because you have a difficult season. You don't have to start completely over. Sometimes you just have to start again.

One thing.

One choice.

One page.

One walk.

One conversation.

One task.

One tiny step that reminds your brain:

We're moving again. 

So, if you've noticed my absence, this is why.

I didn't stop caring.. I definitely didn't stop believing in what I'm building. I didn't suddenly become the person I was years ago.

I got overwhelmed and I lost momentum.

I avoided some things because they felt too big to face. And then, because I'm human, I let the shame of avoiding them make them feel even bigger.

But I'm here. I'm writing again. I'm looking at the mess instead of pretending it isn't there and  I'm getting the ball rolling again.

Maybe you're there too or you’ve been there before, staring at something you used to love and wondering why you can't seem to get yourself back into it.

Maybe you've been beating yourself up because you thought you were further along by now, or you've had a setback and convinced yourself that you've undone all your progress.

If that's you, I hope you remember something I am reminding myself of right now, A snag is not a block.

You may have taken a wrong turn, stopped, or lost your momentum. But….

That doesn't mean you've lost your direction. You are still allowed to begin again. You don't have to become the person you were before the setback. You can become the person who knows how to navigate it.

I took a wrong turn, but it was not the end of the road. It was just another route. I'm still heading to the same place. The journey may take longer, but the destination stays the same! 

I know where I am going and that is what matters most. 💫💖